October 12, 2012
July 2, 2012
Oh Hello...
Well....life happened. It took me away from here, away from myself, away from those that i thought were most dear. Away from the developing understanding i had of this crazy screwed up world and my role as the universe's ironic plaything... I can't say i have come back yet. I can't actually say i know where i have gone. I don''t know where i am now. Maybe away, maybe just deeper inside myself... I am performing rudimentary, procedural, and expected tasks. even going as far as to convince myself as well others that some sad bitter broken alien hasn't invaded my soul. I realize now that my efforts at healing have stretched as far as concealing this alien to the outside word. I have become a socially accepted mourner. I have fooled you.
The few times that i think i have finally gotten a handle on myself, on my world, on my pain- I fall once more. I had fooled myself into believing that big external changes will shake me up; wake me up from this. But I still feel very much asleep. I can't think of anything more i can do to "move onwards, and upwards" and I fear that I may have just shocked my system. I can list my new "adult" accomplishments thus far with a clinical detachment that confuses me. I quit my job in the city and moved home. I watched the center of my world move from this one to the next. I became a mother at age 22 to a equally destroyed 19 year old. I navigated messy and painful legal battles. I have had to hold my own with lawyers, judges, police, real estate agents, financial planners, and the united States government. I lived alone in the house of memories for several months. I Sold this house and moved out in 30 days notice. I became a Teacher. I found and moved into an apartment. I furnished this apartment in an attempt to create a new happy/safe place.
Who let me do this? Who thought that i could handle this? Who thought i was of sound body and mind to make decisions that will impact the rest of my life?Who thought That my relatively short life span thus far had prepared me for any of this?
I am Broken. I am confused. I don't know where to go. I don't really know who to trust. I can't speak, hear, of think about last fall without a panic attack.
I am not ok.
I don't want to go back but i want to be normal again. I want to really be the person that people think i am. I want to feel and deserve the care and affection from well-wishers. I want to shout at the top of my lungs that i am not this person I outwardly project. I am not this strong. I am not resilient . I am not moving forward. I can't breath. I am not ok, dammit. I have fooled you.
The few times that i think i have finally gotten a handle on myself, on my world, on my pain- I fall once more. I had fooled myself into believing that big external changes will shake me up; wake me up from this. But I still feel very much asleep. I can't think of anything more i can do to "move onwards, and upwards" and I fear that I may have just shocked my system. I can list my new "adult" accomplishments thus far with a clinical detachment that confuses me. I quit my job in the city and moved home. I watched the center of my world move from this one to the next. I became a mother at age 22 to a equally destroyed 19 year old. I navigated messy and painful legal battles. I have had to hold my own with lawyers, judges, police, real estate agents, financial planners, and the united States government. I lived alone in the house of memories for several months. I Sold this house and moved out in 30 days notice. I became a Teacher. I found and moved into an apartment. I furnished this apartment in an attempt to create a new happy/safe place.
Who let me do this? Who thought that i could handle this? Who thought i was of sound body and mind to make decisions that will impact the rest of my life?Who thought That my relatively short life span thus far had prepared me for any of this?
I am Broken. I am confused. I don't know where to go. I don't really know who to trust. I can't speak, hear, of think about last fall without a panic attack.
I am not ok.
I don't want to go back but i want to be normal again. I want to really be the person that people think i am. I want to feel and deserve the care and affection from well-wishers. I want to shout at the top of my lungs that i am not this person I outwardly project. I am not this strong. I am not resilient . I am not moving forward. I can't breath. I am not ok, dammit. I have fooled you.
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