Thinking...and for the last time

I have always marveled yet understood the fact that the world never ceases to  consistently fascinate and surprise me.  I am aware that change is coming and that it will throw me for a loop, I just don’t know when, where, how, or who.  I find solace in the ever-changing ebb and flow of life. Sometimes it’s refreshingly exciting-pulling me in with hints of love, justice, humanity, humor, and happiness. Other times it, frankly, kicks the shit out of me- grabbing me by the ear and throwing me into a world of confusion, hurt, sorrow, and helplessness. I’m strangely comforted by the knowledge that I’d better hang on with everything I’ve got because life is going to take me for a wild ride. These things I understand, I expect, I have come to appreciate for what they bring and take away.  

I have always understood that the world will surprise me; but for the first time,  I am surprised by myself. I am staggered by this.

I have discovered more resiliency and strength in myself that I ever thought I was capable of. I clung to these traits as I began to strip away the layers of decay to discover who I really am.  To attempt to fill the holes and burns and scrapes. To ignite the parts that had been neglected for far too long. I  finally managed to stop feeling numb.
So I’m shocked that what I have worked so hard on rebuilding, restoring, and rehabbing these past years can coexist with the parts of my past that I swore off. That I deemed poisonous and detrimental to my emotional and mental health. Shocking that my well-being has not just come about because of my careful avoidance of know pain, that it seems rooted in real change and growth. Shocked that I don’t have to give any important parts of myself away for this to happen. Shocked that I don’t have to compromise who I am.

I am staggered that conversation can flow without mind games, or without desperately holding myself back from emotionally engaging in exchange. That the once ever-present gut wrenching pain that comes from God-knows-where but rips you to pieces is no longer there. Pain that was always compounded by the knowledge that these broken little pieces of myself were never deserved, acknowledged, understood, considered, or mutual in another. So I’m shocked that I no longer need to battle down the hatches and keep the wounded little parts of myself secure and hidden behind hatred, anger, and nastiness. I’m shocked that I don’t need hatred or anger to keep myself in check. Shocked that now these defensive emotions are the ones that feel forced and less than sincere. Perhaps it is more that they no longer hold a significant place in my heart or in my head.  And  long-awaited acknowledgement and  a secretly desired  heartfelt apology can do wonders. Anger and heartlessness  no longer exist to guard and mask to the pain. All is certainly not forgotten but I am cautiously aware of the fact that I have changed- perhaps even fixed myself. And that my initial avoidance is not the only reason why. This has been carefully tested in the field. What I think I may have here, folks, is real and tangible change.  And I feel so much lighter. Stupid tears fell with the release of my pieces, as the locks and chains and deadbolts slowly slide away.

I know that as a person I have changed. Objectively, I can’t see how several personal circumstances occurring alone, let alone simultaneously, wouldn’t change a person. But to know that the little black and broken parts of me that were caused by another may be gone or may be healed is exhilarating. I thought I learned to be content with the fact that I must lug these tiny but 5,000 lb pieces of myself around with me forever. That this was all part of the notion that experience change you. I’m beginning to understand that experience and change can remain without those broken pieces left as a reminder. Honestly, the weight of those pieces was exhausting. I could always  feel the weight of them in my heart, in my mind, in my eyes, in my voice. I couldn’t fully focus on other unfortunate issues that are more pressing and relevant. I feel relieved and lighter and I think happy.

Struggles will certainly continue, life will  throw me a fast ball high and inside and then turn around and lob one right down the middle of the plate. No one asks for the life that they have been given, we just learn to adjust to the bumps in the road and enjoy the ride. 

“How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes. I struggled to find any truth in your lies. Now my heart  stumbles on things I don’t know. My weakness, I fear, I must finally show. 

Lend me your hand and we’ll conquer them all, lend me your heart and I’m afriad I’ll just let you fall. Lend me your eyes and I’ll change what you see.
 But your soul you must keep totally free. 

In these bodies we live and in these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life. 

Awake my soul, Awake my soul”